It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*launders Kohls cash*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth