I feel like one of these would kill a European
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
what could possibly go wrong?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!