#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
🙂🐾
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
my dog when i have a friend over
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine