NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen