my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.