Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Milk Cube
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby