Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again