I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My birth announcement for our third baby
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail