Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax