It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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My biological clock is wheezing.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
me working on my assignments ^-^
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”