No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!