Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies