As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.