LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
plums roundup
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.