me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.