I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*