I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
🤔😂😂
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!