My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible