I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A friend helps you before you need it
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little