Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.