when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
You Might Also Like
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
i can’t wait that long
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Dammit Chief not again
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.