I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.