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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.