*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.