Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
How I’d get arrested…
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Rambo Rambow
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?