Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.