I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore