If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
You Might Also Like
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
channeling her this year
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
FINE, I WON’T.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.