Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.