It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter