doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.