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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.