Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
#parenting
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.