Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
You Might Also Like
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
These are my roll models.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.