I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you