4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon