[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.