He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
WTF
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”