[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.