*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
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Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
so i’m at the stock market right
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-