I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]