Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.