Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Goodnight 🐶
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”