You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
live, laugh, laundry.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.