My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
You Might Also Like
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Just had my nails done!
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.