I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.