Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
we’re dead?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds