Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning