I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Things will get butter, keep churning
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option