[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure